potentially undiagnosed beautiful prince with a disorder
i've stared at this empty gray draft container so many times now. there's so many things i want to say, but i'm not good with beginnings. so to be blunt, i've been miserable.
i hate writing negative blog entries. once i start, they don't stop until my whole blog is full of how depressed and angry i've been. it feels so embarrassing to admit to others that i'm not okay and haven't been in a long time despite all the fighting i did to get to this point. i feel scared of my past friends knowing, the person who abused me knowing, and them concluding that they were right all along. i can't help thinking that they were actually right.
i'm coming to terms with the fact that i might have borderline personality disorder. it's something i've thought about on and off, always waving the idea off because it's a serious disorder, why would i out of all people have it? but looking back on my long history of sabotaging relationships, idolizing and resenting one person at a time, chronic feelings of emptiness, unstable sense of self, spending money quickly and binge eating to feel something... i think it wouldn't hurt to present these symptoms to my psychiatrist.
i'm not good at endings either. i hope i write again soon, though. i really missed this blog.
with love, seasluggish