doomed by diagnosis
content warning: destructive bpd behaviors, singular mention of suicidal thoughts
recently had the most destructive split i had in a while against my partner, and it's gnawing at me. i think our relationship has been tense for a while leading up to it. i was often emotionally removed from conversations about his interests, him and i had a talk about his previous unhealthy behaviors and i assumed he was still acted that way even when he's such an emotionally mature person now, and we were spending less and less time together.
i got angry at him for not responding the way i wanted him to in a random conversation and it blew up in another conversation the next day about why i split. i said i didn't love him as much as he loved me and got so caught up in my fear that i insinuated that he was acting like my abuser. self-absorbed in my panic, i blocked him and deactivated all my social medias. he was supposed to spend the night with a friend for emotional support, but i learned the morning after that he wasn't able to go over to their friend's place and i left him alone.
we talked it out, i apologized and acknowledged how fucked up my actions were and reaffirmed to him that of course he wasn't like my abuser, and we decided to leave that night behind and move forward with intention and care. we've called the past two days to play minecraft together, and i've had a lot of fun with him. it's been a while since i got to goof off with him, but the guilt of what i did lingers quietly.
i feel so ridiculous for sharing what i've been feeling ever since that day because like holy shit does it matter? saying i was an asshole is an understatement, i don't think i deserve to air out these feelings.
idk T_T i know that if i keep it bottled up it might explode back at my partner again, and i want to cope with these feelings without telling him. i don't want him to feel bad for the repercussions of my actions.
after talking it out with my partner, i honestly wanted to kill myself so badly. i lashed out so much as a child, and i wanted to think that i've left that all behind now that i'm an adult, but obviously that isn't the case.
i wanted to pour salt in the wound as a sort of punishment for myself, so i looked at a bunch of posts under r/bpdlovedones and internalized Everything. i read all of the comments that talked about how people with bpd are self-absorbed, how they only feel shame instead of guilt, how they're essentially doomed by their diagnoses and unable to grow as people.
i understand the point of the subreddit, there are a lot of victims of abusers that have bpd, but what they say about people like me scares me so badly. what if my bpd isn't a disorder that can be improved with hard work and instead is something innate to me (i think about my early years of high school, i often described myself as cancerous lol)? is the guilt i'm feeling really guilt or shame that my partner thinks less of me? how do i know if i'm feeling guilt or shame? should my partner even be with me still?
these incessant thoughts are starting to take a physical toll, too. i've been sleeping a lot lately after momentarily fixing my sleep schedule, and my body generally has felt more sluggish. i really hope this doesn't last long. my living space has been getting messier and i'm running out of clean underwear >_> i have appointments with my psychiatrist and my therapist next week (confetti), at least! maybe i'll get more motivation to work on myself then.
it's getting late, and i need to sleep off this headache. hopefully i start feeling better soon so i can show up better for my partner and my loved ones, too (i haven't been keeping up with my friends T_T one of my friends' birthdays is coming up so i'm hoping to get her gift done soon).
with love, seasluggish
