routines are hard
i keep on running my tongue against the back of my bottom front teeth, feeling the tartar that formed from days of not adequately brushing and flossing. my bathroom counters are the cleanest they've ever been in weeks, but the specks of mold in my shower and the dust on the floor is hard to not look at. i was hoping that i would have the energy to clean the house more regularly, i didn't have the foresight to know that patterns only continue if the core causes still remain.
i was thinking about whether or not i have bpd and if i should seek out a diagnosis. i've been so angry and empty and terrified and hopeless the past few months, and it's made it so difficult to do anything. most of my days were spent sleeping; i was constantly recovering from small stressors made into big breakdowns. every other day i'd oscillate between feeling happy and feeling depressed/angry at everyone and everything/hollow.
right now i feel okay. i've been up since 1am, and it's now morning. i miss early mornings. it's been a while since i was awake for one.
i'm starting to write more frequently now! outside of blogging, i'm helping out a friend with writing scripts for a roleplay he's hosting as well as writing snippets for a character i recently came up with. i was never really the one to make ocs (i loved roleplaying as a kid, but the characters i acted as never went beyond self-insert werewolves i made on the spur of the moment lol) because i felt that i wasn't creative enough, but recently i realized no one gafs!
my character's a lonely cowboy that recently returned to their hometown (hallmark moment) to take care of their late parents' ranch. they were never suited for manual labor and moved out as quickly as possible thanks to a college scholarship sponsored by The Town's Rich Family (lol). they return back after finding out that The Town's Rich Family exploited their parents and essentially caused their parents passing. also they had some sort of queer relationship (not sure if romantic or platonic) that went sour before they moved back. many many ghosts following my character
lol i was really embarrassed typing their lore out :p it reminds me of how i'd play as a kid. "yeah i have fire AND ice powers and i have teleportation abilities and i can't be killed" or something
writing more creatively brings me a lot of joy, though. i used to write so much more often in elementary school, but i lost my passion along the way. IT'S BACK THOUGH! i'm full of so much joy
this entry ended on such a different note lol :p this was very fun to write
with love, seasluggish