staring down at the waves until i get dizzy
i love the beach. whenever i go, i don't go far into the water; i just stand, ankles-deep, and stare into the horizon. my mom finds this behavior very worrying lol, but it's how i enjoy the beach best. i'm hoping to fit in as many beach visits as possible before fall semester begins.
i'm not sure what to expect this semester, actually. i changed my major last semester after a very grueling two years of depressive episodes and a lack of passion for what i previously majored in, and just last week, i was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (confetti). i have a track record of getting set off by a trigger and getting debilitated for weeks before mustering the strength to pick myself up again. by the time i'm able to get my ass up, i've missed out on god knows how much studying. it's been a rough cycle, and i'm scared to make the same mistakes.
and i know just how much i self-sabotage, creating reasons to be paranoid/depressed, staring down at the waves even when i know i get dizzy. it's a guilty habit of mine, one that makes my stomach twist admitting out loud. even when i'm objectively safe, i search for ways to paralyze myself with fear because it's all i've known the past three to four years.
i'm holding on to hope, though. i've grown so much and i'll grow again!
with love, seasluggish
