updates on my potential bpd
the day after i posted my last entry, i talked to my psychiatrist about the symptoms i was experiencing and we scheduled an appointment in two weeks to go through the official diagnosing process. the day after that, i told my therapist about me potentially having bpd and having talked to my psychiatrist about it. she thought it made sense + thought i might also have bipolar disorder because almost every single appointment, i've talked about cyclical feelings of productivity and an overwhelming sense of hope for the future -> depressive crashes.
there's some excitement, some mixed feelings, a growing sense of anxiety. it feels nice to potentially focus my efforts in the right direction, but it's also so much to take in, so much to recognize and legitimize within myself. the past year, i stopped taking my struggles seriously. i've been depressed for long enough; i need to get over myself and get better. bpd and bipolar disorder feel too grandiose of labels specifically for me. how pretentious of me to believe that i have serious problems! but i've been running into the same wall, wondering why i can't get through, and these diagnoses might help me change course.
despite how happy i should feel about this, i can't help but feel vulnerable and anxious. i know the stigma that surrounds bpd, i've tortured myself looking at r/bpdlovedones (lol), i've messily severed relationships because of my bpd traits. i'm scared that confirming i have bpd would seal my fate. i'm scared that as i get older, i'll become more bitter and angry and my partner will recognize the person he hates the most in me. i'm scared that i will be lonely again, that my friendships will fade out and i'll forget how to be worthy of love.
but right now i have a good therapist, parents and a partner who love me despite everything, a psychiatrist that takes me seriously, and friends that i enjoy being around. i'm normally pleasantly surprised by what the future holds, so i'll try to hold onto hope even when everything within me screams not to.
with love, seasluggish